HOLLYWOOD TO SPIT OUT TERRIBLE ‘BLADE RUNNER’ SEQUEL

June 17, 2009 at 1:42 am · Filed under actor, explosion, faux news, movies, stupid


In light of the recent success of films featuring Robots, such as Terminator: Salvation, The Day The Earth Stood Still, Transformers and the highly-anticipated Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, production has begun on the sequel to the classic Sci-Fi classic Blade Runner.

Blade Runner 2: Return of the Nexus will begin production in early January and producers hope to release it in early summer. Michael Bay is currently set to direct, with Bruckheimer producing. Ridley Scott and Blade Runner star Harrison Ford have sworn off the project, calling it “crass,” “meaningless,” and “retarded.”

Bruckheimer has come out vocally against these comments. “This is not your daddy’s Blade Runner. This will have massive-scale battles on the moon and will feature truly terrifying cyborgs, or whatever. It will really be a rollercoaster ride to fun!” 

Pictured: Michael Bay’s idea of what Replicants should look like

For people who were emotionally or existentially confused by the original story of a man searching for his humanity in a heartless future, Bruckheimer promises no moral ambiguity in Blade Runner 2.

“Here’s all you need to know,” Bruckheimer said, during a press conference. “The people are the good guys, the robots or whatever are the bad guys, and they want to kill the hell out of each other.”

The film will take place 5 years after the events of the previous film, and will feature an entire cast of good-looking 20somethings fresh out of acting school. Casting Director Linda Hamm said she choose this route for two reasons.

“We really wanted to cast unknowns, like they did in the first Blade Runner,” said Hamm, who apparently didn’t know Harrison Ford had already been in two Star Wars films and Raiders of the Lost Arc before Blade Runner had even been made. “Also, I’ve read the script,” Hamm continued, “And no one really needs to act in it. It’s a lot of running and jumping and shooting. At least 80 percent of it is computer generated. We could cast this thing with monkeys and it would be about the same.”

Movie fans and films students the world over cried out in impotent, frustrated anger simultaneously when the news of this production was first posted on Variety.

“What? What the hell?” Screamed Victor Mandiri, a USC Film student when he read the news. “This is so demoralizing! Hollywood has NO imagination! What are they going to do next, remake Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?!”

When informed that they had already remade Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid last year, Mandiri began crying  and jumped out it dorm window.

Yeah, they really did that.

Bruckheimer responded to the over-whelming negative response from fans and casual moviegoers alike.

“It doesn’t matter what these people say,” said Bruckheimer. “I’ve been making movies for decades. Trust me, if there are robots, shiny lights, gun fire and explosions people will show up in droves.”

No film critic or professor could be found who could argue Bruckheimer’s assertion. Most of them read it, attempted futilely to craft a response, but instead began sobbing hysterically.

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PSYCHIATRISTS COMPETE WITH SCIENTOLOGY BY STARTING THEIR OWN CRAZY RELIGION

June 17, 2009 at 1:25 am · Filed under DTK, faux news, internet, odd, religion, stupid

In a daring move by the American Psychiatric Association, they have created a new religion known as Psychotology, to contend with the amount of crazy generated by their bitter nemesis, the Church of Scientology.

They want to keep all of that except the ‘Science Based’ part.

The APA said their bravery was bolstered by the recent declaration by Wikipedia officials that bans any Scientology official from editing Wikipedia pages about the Church of Scientology. The APA has taken this hit and run with it, creating ‘Psychotology.’

Psychotology is a multi-tiered “educational training system” that encourages the practices of past-life exploration, peer counseling, and a hierarchy system that shows your rank in the church increase as you spend more money and convert more people. But they have also decided to craft a back story that gives Scientology a run for its money.

According to the newly “found” books of Psychotology, 11 trillion years ago, the planet was molded out of “life clay” by a giant inter-dimensional being known as “Zorg” who looks like a giant cloud with a thousand indescribable faces. Once creating Earth, or “Gleg’Ork” as Zorg called it, he captured a huge number of insects from a dimension that only he knew about. He threw those insects onto the planet, and then used them for slave labor. Their sweat filled our oceans, and their cries of anguish still resonate across the planet. Thos “evil vibrations” affect our blood and our mind, and they are the source of all our sadness and illnesses.

Meet Zorg. He was apparently a dick. Not a big surprise really..

“You have no idea how hard it was to come up with stuff crazy enough to compete with Scientology,” said Dr. Mary Steiner, co-founder of the Church of Psychotology. “I mean, they had some real good crazy going on there. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to live up to their insanity standards. I think we did a damn good job though.”

The main difference between the churches is that while Scientology is against psychology, and doesn’t believe medical drugs can be effective, instead insisting upon exercise and vitamins, Psychotology believes in moderate use of psychologically helpful drugs, and a healthy diet of vitamins and exercise.

“Were still freaking doctors,” said Steiner. “We don’t want people hooked on drugs. Were not monsters. We were worried about scientology hurting people. Those idiots don’t even believe in schizophrenia. SCHIZOPHRENIA!! Its a real thing! How do you not believe in proven medical science? That’s just nuts!”

According to Steiner, the Psychotology was created for people who still wanted that hint of crazy in their lives, but needed medical drugs to keep from dying.

“This Psychotology nonsense is ridiculous,” said Karl Walters, a Scientology official. “Giant inter-dimensional monsters? Their crying echoes giving us sadness? We all know sadness is created by alien ghosts living in our blood. These people are stupid. Also, I hear they are all criminals who molest children and eat babies. What are their crimes? What are YOUR crimes?!!”

As of press time, most Psychotology officials have made a number of Kevlar Vest purchases, and have all received permits to carry hand guns, just incase any retribution is sought.

*This article was originally published in my Drinking The Kool-Aid column in the University Times newspaper. Visit us at www.coolstatela.com.

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MIME ARRESTED AFTER BRUTAL FAKE SHOOTING SPREE

June 17, 2009 at 1:17 am · Filed under clown, faux news, guns, odd, police, scary

Marcus DeAngelo, a street mime living in Paris, has been arrested after his imaginary shooting rampage failed to actually harm anyone.

Witnesses of the imaginary catastrophe report seeing DeAngelo holding his hands up, as if he were gripping the handles of two pistols, and his index fingers pulling imaginary triggers. According to one witness, DeAngelo was a wonderful mime and even mimicked the recoil real pistols would make.

“It was very entertaining, and entrancing,” said Ruper Carson, 23, a tourist from England who witnessed the imaginary mass-murder. “He was prancing around, diving, shooting his imaginary guns, strafing and taking cover. It would have been beautifully magical if, ya know, he wasn’t mimicking trying to kill us all. He really was talented though.”

Fellow witness Whitney Andrews, 30, a tourist from America, disagreed. “I have always fucking hated mimes. And this only makes it worse! Mimes suck.”

According to police, they threw DeAngelo into a real cell that had imaginary bars.

“Due to a construction complication, we have yet to install the bars,” said Capt. Emile Rabalias, “We just told him there were there, and he has been clanging an imaginary metal cup across them all day. If either the cup or the bars were real, it would be incredibly annoying.”

Police are only holding DeAngelo for a few days, as they have yet to figure out what to charge him with.

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Soldier Kicked Out Of Military For "Liking Dudes"

May 27, 2009 at 12:50 am · Filed under DTK, faux news, politics, scary, stupid

In another damning blow to gay rights today, Captain Maximus T. Killmaster, a twenty-year veteran who has served five tours of active military duty in the Marines, the Green Berets, Delta Force and the until-now top secret Stone Dragons, has been discharged for being gay. Or, as US Army Strategist Bob Maginnis put it: “one of them.” Maginnis then shuddered compulsively.

Artist’s depiction of Killmaster

“This is ridiculous,” said Killmaster when reached for comment. “I’ve served my country for two decades. I have never done anything that was unprofessional or damaging to the military’s progress. I have killed for this country, taken bullets for this country, assassinated world leaders for this count-… actually; don’t put in that last part. Anyway, this is just unacceptable!”

In Killmaster’s impressive military history, he has 407 confirmed kills, 295 so-called “don’t tell anyone about this” kills, and has lead top-secret combat teams into hostile territories including Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Canada, Vietnam, Afghanistan and The Moon.

“Look, I know he’s an American hero and all, but come on. The guy likes other dudes. DUDES!” said Maginnis at a press conference. “I mean, that just doesn’t make sense!”

Supporters of Killmaster have rallied around him, protesting his firing. They have held vigils and protests across the nation and are quick to point out Killmaster’s numerous other talents that make him an invaluable asset to America’s safety.

Artist’s depiction of Killmaster

“Not only does he have bio-enhanced robotic combat arms, but he is also fluent in 25 languages!” said Mary Worthing, a long time friend of Killmaster. “Including four Arabic dialects, Esperanto, and Moon-ese.” Moon-ese of course being the language spoken by the secret terrorists on the Moon.

“Yes, Okay, I understand,” responded Maginnis. 

“He is a perfect soldier, he can speak any language we need him to, he is invaluable as both a warrior and intelligence gatherer and he is highly trained in diplomacy and negotiations. Also, he has served on every single top-secret branch of the military we have. But come on! He likes DUDES!”

Artist’s depiction of Killmaster

The military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which was, in part, crafted by Maginnis, has come under fire recently when National Guard soldier Dan Choi, another soldier fluent in Arabic, was also discharged for being gay. Recently, Choi wrote a letter to the president, pleading for the decision to be overturned.

Killmaster has chosen to go a similar route as Choi, and has written a heart-felt letter to President Obama, demanding to be let back into the army and threatening, “I know where you live.”

President Obama has responded by throwing his hands up in the air, spinning around like a whirlwind throwing money at everyone. He then began sobbing while crying, “this isn’t what I wanted” and then buried his head in a whole he had dug in the White House lawn.

“He’s damned if he does, and he’s damned if he doesn’t,” said Vice President Biden, explaining Obama’s behavior. “

So he’s just going to pretend none of it is happening.”

Killmaster, having explored all options, has decided to take his years of military experience terrifying training, and emotional scarring and go up to a small wood cottage he owns in the mountains. He will then amass a ridiculous number of guns, gallons of gasoline and raw fertilizer. After this, it is presumed nothing bad will ever happen.

Artist’s depiction of Killmaster

On an adrenaline rush from firing two gay soldiers in the same month, officials in the army have decided to expand the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

“From now on, we will have a much wider definition of ‘telling’,” said Maginnis. “Soldiers will be fired for having any Amy Man or Celine Dion records, if they have ever watched more then three Episodes of Sex and The City, or if they have exceptionally striking features.”

Maginnis continued, “We can’t let gays into the military. Soon they will be all up on the other soldiers. And who can blame them? All muscular and sweaty. Haven’t seen a woman in months. Young, nubile…”

Maginnis then just sort of trailed off silently staring in the back on the room while slowly rubbing his pecks. Finally, a reporter coughed awkwardly and Maginnis ran from the podium crying.

*This article was originally published in my Drinking The Kool-Aid column in the University Times newspaper. Visit us at www.coolstatela.com.

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WHO I THINK WOULD BE A GREAT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE

May 8, 2009 at 10:52 pm · Filed under faux news, politics

By Milton Q. Wassleman,

3rd Grader

I think my daddy would make a great Supreme Court justice, and heres why:

- My dad is the smartest man in the world.

- My dad is big and tall and strong, like a mountain.

- One time my daddy saved this baby bird and he took care of it and that makes him a good person.

- He always tells the truth, and that’s the best thing to do.

- I love him the mostest of anyone in the whole wide world!

- He staunchly defends the separation of church and state through both monetary prerogatives offered to public institutions and through mandates enacted and adjudicated upon by the federal government unto the respective state legislatures while upholding  and respecting the limited sovereignty of individual state governments as long as they refrain from acting in interests that would counter those proposed in the United States constitution.

-Also, he knows totally everything about fixing stuff in our house. 

Oh, and another person who would totally rock, if my dad doesn’t pass the vetting process due to his penchant for hiring what mom calls his “special lady friends from the street”, would be Batman! Batman would be totally awesome! Here’s why:

- He fights crime and makes bad guys pay!

- He’s got a super-cool costume!

- He stands strongly in support of Roe V. Wade and a woman’s right to choose. He believes that a woman’s body is her own and should therefore have ultimate control over what happens to her and the government should keep the“ir hyper-religious meddling fingers out of their business. The Joker disagrees which is why they fight all the time.

- Bats are my favorite animal!



 

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Historic ‘First 100 Days’ From Previous Administrations

May 1, 2009 at 3:51 am · Filed under faux news, list, odd, politics

Obama’s first 100 days in office are up, and according to CNN, FOX, MSNBC, ABC, CSPAN, and every other news network, this is apparently a historic landmark and not just an attempt to fill their copious amounts of empty air time. In this time, Obama has decided to close Guantanamo, reverse the ban on stem cell research and has basically spent this whole time undoing the last 8 years, which is nice.

On the whole, it seems like it’s been a pretty successful first 100 days. Now that this milestone is reached, Obama can just coast for the next 3 and a half years. Many presidents strived to make their first 100 days something memorable and not all have made it so. Here is a list of interesting events that have taken place in our previous presidents’ first 100 days.

George Washington – Day 34 - Killed a swarm of bears with his own two hands, and a hand he borrowed from his neighbor that he has sewn onto his chest. That third hand wielded a hatchet and did most of the work. Bears swarm right?

Thomas Jefferson – Day 66 – Proposed the ill-fated “You-can’t-marry-your-slave girls-unless-they-are-just-crazy-hot” law.

Andrew Jackson – Day 14 – Challenged three political enemies, eight random passersby and a statue of John Adams to a duel. He shot and killed all of them. Including the statue.

William Henry Harrison – Day 31 – Died. Because of this, the rest of his 100 days were taken over by John Tyler, who turned out to actually just be a sack of potatoes with googley eyes glued on the front.

James K. Polk – Day 1 – No one is sure if Polk was ever actually president.


James Buchanan – Day 45 – Known as the ‘bachelor’ president, Buchanan moved in with his totally platonic man friend, and nothing controversial happened. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Abraham Lincoln – Day 40 – I don’t know. Something to do with the start of some war or something.

Theodore Roosevelt – Day 82 – Got into a laser gun fight with a thirty foot robot. Why didn’t you hear about it? It happened in the future!


William Howard Taft – Day 3 – Ate an entire cow. One whole cow. He was a big fella, is my point.

Woodrow Wilson – Day 60 – Set the world record for most racial slurs ever yelled aloud during an international summit.


John F. Kennedy – Day 1 – Had sweaty, passionate sex with at least three different women, one of whom was Marilyn Monroe.

John F. Kennedy – Day 2 - 100 – See: Day 1.

Richard Nixon – Day 12 – Just said “screw it, who cares?” and then ate a puppy.


George Bush – Day 1 – 100 – Spent most of his time ignoring very specific threats to America’s safety and security. This one isn’t a joke.

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My Fantasy Obama Cabinet

December 10, 2008 at 10:25 pm · Filed under actor, list, movies, politics

People across the country play fantasy sports, such as Fantasy Football and Fantasy Baseball. This is stupid. Who cares about homehits and touchplays or whatever? I never knew anything about sports and I’m doing fine. My point is, politics plays a hugely important role in our lives, and since I too like to have fun, I play fantasy politics. Here is my fantasy Obama Cabinet.

Secretary of State: This position is fourth in line for the presidency. So I would love to see Clinton here. Bill, I mean. He was awesome! Huge surplus, incredible national security, amazing rapport. And, I know that he is constitutionally ineligible, but this is my FANTASY cabinet, so shut up.

Secretary of Treasury: For the treasury you need someone who is good with keeping money and dealing with finance, so I’d like to go with my dad. Seriously, the man has a perfect credit score, he keeps records of damn-near everything, and I know he wouldn’t be liberal with American money because the bastard only gave me a $5 a week allowance! Have you ever tried to live on $5 a week? Or even a day?! Goddamn it… Even when America would ask for money my Dad would say “look, I know you want to take France out on a fancy date, but you need to learn the value of the dollar!” then he would ground me. I mean America. Or whatever. What was I talking about?

Secretary of Defense: This one’s easy. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predatory (I think his name was Alan “Dutch” Schaefer.) I mean he could hold a huge machine gun with one hand, clear an entire Guatemalan village of guerrilla terrorists, stop an evil, technologically advanced super-alien armed with a nuke using only a homemade bow and arrow. Holy crap. I want to clone him 15 times and put him in every cabinet position. Okay, okay, calm down. I would have actually gone with the predator, but I don’t support his pro-nuke stance.

Attorney General: Alan Shore from Boston Legal. He is a brilliant attorney who almost never looses unless it makes the episode more emotionally poignant. Also, his close relationship with the former time-traveling captain of a spaceship could give us the technological boost America needs to keep ahead of the commies in the space race. Did any of what I just said make sense?

Secretary of the Interior: I have no idea what this position is responsible for, or what the person who fills the position does. I think it has to do with parks or something. All I know is the person who has the position right now is naked Dirk Kempthorne, and with an awesome name like that, I’ll just have him stay.

Secretary of Agriculture: Demeter, Greek God of the bountiful harvest. Hell, she taught humans how to grow and cultivate food, and apparently she’s really good at making it grow. Why not just cut out the middleman and give control of our agriculture right to a powerful super-being? It’s either than or ConAgra.

Secretary of Commerce: The point of the commerce position is to foster international trade. For this reason id like to see Tony Montana here. Sure, most of the international trade he deals with is between the United States and Columbia, but that counts. Also, he doesn’t take sh*t from no one. And, according to the most famous quote from his film he has a good relationship with dwarfs. I would bet cash money 50% of you won’t get that joke.

Secretary of Labor: Upton Sinclair is the obvious choice. Sure, he’s dead. Sure, he’s a socialist. But his work revolutionized the labor industry and he seems to actually care about workers when no one else in America does.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: I don’t know about the Human Services part, but Gregory House would be the perfect choice for the Health part. He’s a loose cannon doctor who plays by his own rules, of which he only has one: He has no rules. And, if you replaced the word doctor with the word cop, you’d have every police TV show from the ‘70s.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Famous developer Rick Caruso, who is the mastermind behind The Grove and The Americana malls would be my pick. He could switch out all the Freeways for trolley car rails and everyone could live inside over-priced clothing boutiques and Mac stores. That’s the world I some day want to live in.

Secretary of Transportation: Originally I was going to say Optimus Prime. After all, he’s a super intelligent inter-space robot who is also a FUCKING CAR! But, you need to appoint at least one minority to a cabinet position so I’ll go with the offensively, stereotypically ‘black’ Transformer Jazz.

Secretary of Energy: Raiden. Again, he is an immortal god with no particular affinity for the human race, but he can shoot lighting from his hands. He seems like someone who would know how to find cheap energy sources (i.e. his hands.) Nicola Tesla was also considered, but he’s a little nuts.

Secretary of Education: Who’s that lady who taught Helen Keller? Yeah, her.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Arnold Schwarzenegger from Commando. Look, I know Arnold can’t be for every position, but this one is good too. After coming home from the horrors of war, who would be better? Who knows more about how the common soldier feels? What do you mean ‘anyone’?

Secretary of Homeland Security: Ha! You thought I was going to say Schwarzenegger again didn’t you? Well, I was. But I think it would go better to Harrison Ford in 1992. He played Jack Ryan, who constantly defended America from terrorists. Sure, in 1992 they were Irish terrorists, which doesn’t really count right now, but whatever! Ford kicks ass.

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